CSAAM 2013

Those of you who have been part of the blog world for a while now, know that April is the month where a group of dedicated bloggers have been crusading against a common yet hush-hush malaise that afflicts our society — Child Sexual Abuse.

Forgive me. I think I trivialise it by calling it a societal malaise. In plain truth, it is a crime. A crushingly common one at that.

This group of amazing bloggers have been trying to raise awareness against Child Sexual Abuse for the past three years now and they have been doing a kick-ass job of it. Head over to the blog right now and you will be amazed. It’s all there, from survivor stories to counsellors’ advice to how-to-talk-to-your-children posts and much, much more.

Educate yourself. Educate your children. Remember, education is protection.

Anyone who has suffered sexual abuse as a child…it scars you.

Ask me. I know…

MY BODY REMEMBERS

My body is a receptacle of my memories.
My body is a storehouse of memories.
My body,
remembers.

My body remembers
the taste of pink bubblegum ice-cream.
My body remembers
the softness of kittens
and bubbles
popping on her nose.
My body remembers
the touch of snowflakes,
my body remembers
getting wet in the rain.
My body remembers
the warmth of quilts
on snowy, winter evenings.
My body remembers
the embrace of the pool waters
on a hot summer’s day.
My body remembers
the smell of bakeries
and pizzerias.
My body remembers
the smell of incense
and gods smiling benignly.
My body remembers
the first poem it ever wrote.

My body remembers
unwanted hands on my then flat chest
and equally flat butt;
being groped,
almost massage-like,
again and again –
like a piece of meat
under a butcher’s hands.
My body remembers
unwanted kisses
from unexpected
and unnatural  quarters –
from a dirty
old
man.
My body remembers
the smell of Pond’s talcum powder
and the sound of his laugh
and look in his eyes
and the feel of his
thick,
heavy,
calloused hands.

My body remembers
her shame.
Her tears.
Her guilt.
Her unworthiness.

My body remembers.

There are days
when I wake up,
wishing for amputations,
wishing for a lobotomy.

Cut me open!
Cut me apart!
Slice away at what makes me
cringe,
cry
and howl.

It’s what I want.
Maybe then,
I will finally
be
whole.

****************************************************************

(I can’t stress this enough…if you haven’t seen the blog, visit it now. Here is the link once more, in case you missed it in my post: http://csaawarenessmonth.com/)

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Fearless

Jyoti Singh Pandey’s horrific rape and brutalization on December 16th, 2012; her subsequent battle for survival and finally her death on December 28th, 2012 have been seared into our memory forever. This young girl’s harrowing and ultimately fatal attack at the hands of those five blood-thirsty, penis-powered, miserable scraps of humankind, has given rise to an entire movement.

Her attack and suffering spurred many candle-light marches and vigils, nation-wide debates, discussions and protests. It brought together women’s rights groups, academics, feminists, students, men and women to come together and formulate a draft that went to the Justice Verma committee. The Justice Verma committe then presented their report to the government.

Another aftermath of Jyoti’s rape and death was the rise of an ‘artistic movement’. And I use the term broadly. A parallel movement along with all the vigils, marches and petitions. A sister movement to “Take Back the Night” initiatives all across India and “One Billion Rising” schedules.

I would like to mention a few here.

Many essays, poems, monologues have been written in the wake of December 16th. Writer, teacher, poet and friend, Sumana Roy wrote a brilliant piece in The Open Magazine about this prolific outpouring of grief, appropriately titled, “Words from this Anger.”

An incredible performance piece that I had heard of and then seen on YouTube is theatre legend, MayaKrishna Rao’s “Walk.”

And then there’s the Fearless campaign. A brilliant initiative by the supremely talented, beautiful, gentle and wise artist, Shilo Shiv Suleiman. Instead of channeling our anger, she urged us to channel our inner strength, latent power and urged us to be FEARLESS. She invited artists, painters, graphic designers to make posters inspired by and including the word ‘Fearless.’ She was hoping for 150. She’s now close to 200 and counting! Yes. The response was, to put it mildly, incredible. The works of art that are still poring in are awe-inspiring. Some make your jaw drop, some move you to tears, some make you want to spread your wings and fly! Many will make you want to smile; many will make you want to dance; many will make you want to stare at them for hours — all of them will move you. The posters are now travelling all over India and have gone international as well. The exhibit in Singapore’s Madder Moon gallery closes today, in fact. You can see for yourself, the gorgeous artwork here as well as here.

Now, I can’t paint or draw, much to my very great disappointment. I have all these posters dancing in my head, vividly, but I can’t translate them onto paper. And that makes me sad. However, the sheer beauty and power of the Fearless initiative, along with the Take Back the Night programs, did inspire me to write something.

Today being Woman’s Day, I thought it fitting to share my poem with you. More power to you all. Nurture your Inner Goddess. Love yourself. I promise you, you’re worth it.

FEARLESS

Permission, please
to dance.
Permission to speak up;
to be heard.
Permission to marry who I want,
or not marry at all.
Permission to walk the streets at night.

Permission to write,
to paint,
to create.
Permission to study.
Permission to ride the bus
without having your dick press into my back.
Permission to walk the streets at night.

Permission to take the bigger piece of fish.
Permission to run with the boys.
Permission to sing.
Permission to be a doctor,
an engineer,
a bartender,
a model.
Permission to walk the streets at night.

Permission to be loved as much as my brother.
Permission to live.
Permission to not choke on your bile,
give in to your lust,
be used as your pawn.
Permission to wear what I like.
Permission to pierce my tongue.
Permission to walk the streets at night.

Permission to wear a burkha
and not have you call me oppressed.
Permission to show off my cleavage
and not have you call me a slut.
Permission to oil my hair
and wear it in two plaits
and not have you call me a behenji.
Permission, please,
to look the way I want
and not be called
too fat,
too skinny,
too hot,
too ugly.

Permission to get married
and not have you call me bechaari.
Permission to get married and not have kids
and not have you call me heartless.
Permission to leave my kids at home and go to work
and not have you call me ambitious
like it was a dirty word.

Permission, please to dance.
With.
Boys.
Permission to walk the streets at night
and not be called a whore.

Permission to love;
one boy
or many along the way;
or maybe a girl
or two.
Permission to not love at all.
Permission to love only myself.

Permission to dance.
With boys.
On the dance floor.
Or alone.
On the dance floor.
And to not have you touch me
Permission to sing.
Loud.
Or off-key.
Or both.
Or softly,
To myself;
sitting alone
in my city,
with my tunes for company.

 

Permission to live.
Permission to breathe.
Permission to be fun.
Permission to be fearless.
Permission to be free.

Permission to walk the streets at night.

I shouldn’t have to ask.
And I never will again.
Because I’m taking it all back.

I’m going to be fearless,
I’m going to be free.

So take that
and get used to it,
because above all that,
I’m going to be me
and
I don’t need
your
permission.

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A Few Threads

(an elegy to the 23-year-old victim of gang-rape and also the two-year-old victim of rape…both of whom passed away today, hopefully for a better world)

A Few Threads

Oh maa, is this new sari for me?
Look at the colours,
feel the texture,
the embroidery is so fine
and delicate.
These threads
speak in tongues
and carry tales
I want to sing;
I want to wrap their softness
and many-coloured moods
around me
and float like a feather
as it free-falls through the air
on its way towards a head-on collision with the grass.
Yes,
my Diwali looks brighter already.

Oh papa,
the cold is setting in;
jeans, sweaters
and multi-coloured scarves
will have to warm me now.
I’ll match my earrings
with my scarves –
who says a polar bear can’t look pretty?
I’ll carry your bear-hug with me as I go,
wherever I go,
papa –
they’re the warmest memories I own.

Tell me again, nani,
what exactly did Draupadi pray to Krishna
as her soul was being stripped
of every of dignity she possessed
in front of the eyes of a blind court?
Did she howl in pain?
Did she beg for a few strands
to cover her modesty,
her breasts,
her pussy?

I did,
you know.
I prayed to every God I knew,
using up the mantras of my childhood memories;
the agarbatti smells of your daily worship,
maa,
I used them to numb my senses
as I screamed
while the beasts tore into my body with savage glee.
I howled in pain and shame,
papa,
as they ripped apart my gut
and clawed off my breasts
and bloodied the nation with gore.

And I begged
and I begged
and I begged
for a few threads
on my back
as I lay shivering in the cold
on the road.

Nobody stopped,
nobody cared,
many people looked,
but no one bothered
to throw a few threads
of dignity my way
along with their
looks of pity
and fear
and horror
and shame.

Maa,
you cover me with sheets now,
and there is newsprint
where my gut once used to be.
I’ve lost the name you gave me,
but I have a few fancier ones instead.
I can hear loud words, maa,
angry words;
words of rage
and pain
and protest
being yelled out
in one  big collective wail
of rage
and pain
and protest.
Or maybe that’s just the morphine talking.

Papa,
I believe we’re in Singapore?
How many boxes of dreams
did you help load on the aircrafts
to fly all the way here
without ever knowing
that one day,
you too
would be here with me?
Is Singapore beautiful?
Is it everything you dreamed of
and more?

It’s okay.
Don’t tell me.
I can see for myself now.
I can see these tall skyscrapers
and trains speeding through the skies
and women wearing the most fashionable clothes
I’d only ever seen in movies
and magazines.

I…
I don’t know.
I don’t know about castration
or death by hanging.
I don’t know about lethal injections
or shoving iron rods up their ass
and scrambling their intestines.
I don’t know about lynching them
or feeding them to hungry hyenas
or to an angry mob.
All I know
is that I wanted to live…

I can hear the voices
of my sisters in pain
screaming “Enough is enough!”

but

enough of what?

Today,
my two-year-old sister
died with me,
leaving another scar
on our Motherland’s face.
Did she get a name?
Wasn’t she a laadli,
a shona,
a pari
a rani,like I was once,
before becoming a Damini,
an Amanat,
a Nirbhaya?

Scream away my sisters.
Scream till the blood gurgles out of your throat
staining our corridors of power.
Scream till we change our herstories,
our laws,
our brothers’ mindsets,
our daughters’ lives,
and
our freedoms.

As for me,
I’m off to have a word with Draupadi now.
I need to know
why her prayer for a few threads of dignity
was far greater than my own.

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Two Kiddie Movie Reviews:

Chhota Bheem poster

(image courtesy: rediff.com)

After ages, it’s raining kiddie movies again. Chhota Bheem and the Curse of Damyaan and Arjun: The Warrior Prince. Okay, maybe two movies isn’t much of a rain-storm, but it is better than a five-minute drizzle — a few of which our hot, sweltering city would greatly appreciatiate, just by the way.

“Chhota Bheem” happens to be my five-year-old son’s hero. We, my eight-year-old son and I, just tagged along for the cheese popcorn. My little one watched with stars in his eyes as Bheem and his gang of friends learnt some cool ‘jum-jum-jum-jadoo’ to defeat the evil snake lord, Damyaan, of Sonapur. The snake lord reminded me of a certain basilisk of Potterish characteristics, a ring of evil which as golden-hued and devilish as its ‘big brother’ in “The Lord of the Rings” and a town named Sonapur, which was (not so?) strangely reminiscent of Disney’s Agrabah of Aladdin fame, complete with flying carpets, with Damyaan’s den resembling the Cave of Wonders. From a very critical, cynical, adult eye’s view, it was very clear that this story probably started out as nothing more than a made-for-TV-movie which was suddenly lengthened a bit to be released in the movie halls so that the very high popularity of Chhota Bheem could be cashed in on by some very astute producers. But, my little one enjoyed and so did his big brother (although he’ll refuse to admit it) and that makes this mamma very happy — she did get to munch on cheese popcorn, after all.

.

(image courtesy: desimartini.com)

Arjun: The Warrior Prince was much more sophisticated, and why not, as it was made with Disney’s blessings. The life story of the third Pandava brother is one that is full of drama, adventure, romance, human frailty and redemption. This movie focused on just a few parts, with major sequences either being glossed over or not mentioned at all. Now while I realise that huge chunks of India’s, nay, the world’s greatest epic (yes, in my opinion), are not suitable for children, I don’t agree with some of the liberties that were taken. But then again, that is, once again, my opinion. However, the movie was immensely entertaining, of superb standard and huge beacon of hope that our country’s treasure trove of stories may make it to the world of fancy-pants animation after all and reach a global audience. Definitely something to look forward to.

 

 

 

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CSAAM 2012: The Forest of Dark

THE FOREST OF DARK

In the forgotten space
of Child’s imagination
there exists a black spot –
the Land of Nightmares.
Here we find
the Forest of Dark.
Mouldy mushrooms
push their way through humus;
anorexic trees
stand naked
amongst rotten leaves,
reveling in their wicked,
wanton
leaflessness.

 

Faceless ghosts
pop out from behind boulders
to grab at the dirty little girl,
shrieking with delight
at her shrieks of pain
and fear.

 

Suddenly,
the ghosts melt down
into the slime
and in a thunder cloud of fore bounding,
the devil arrives,
seated on a big,
black,
hard bed.
The devil is fat
and ugly
with yellow teeth
and giant hands.
The devil grins cruelly
and stretches forward
to pitchfork the little girl
on to the big,
black,
hard bed.

 

The devil starts laughing.
The little girl starts crying.

 

“Mummy!”

 

The little girl wakes up in her own bed,
in her own room,
in her own house.

 

Mummy’s not home.
She’s gone to work.
Daddy’s not home.
He’s gone to work.
The door slowly creeks open
and the baby-sitter stands there.
The devil leers
as he slowly comes towards the bed…

 

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It’s April — CSAAM

This is a serious post and so I am going to dive right into it without any preamble.
Remember this wonderful initiative started by some admirable bloggers last year, to raise awareness about a much prevalent yet swept-under-the-carpet societal disease? Yes, I’m talking about Child Sexual Abuse and April is the month that the blogospere is abuzz with raising awareness against this hush-hush topic.
Do you have a story to tell? Do you have any questions to ask? Do you have any tips to share?
You can do it here: csa.awareness.april@gmail.com.
And yes, you can do it anonymously.
But let’s not keep quiet. Victims have suffered in silence for far too long, it’s time to be heard.

 

Blog posts with the logo (you can copy the image above), link back to our blog, with the words “CSAAM April 2012” in the title

Twitter posts or links to @CSAawareness, tagged “#CSAAM”
FB notes linking to our Facebook page
Emails to csa.awareness.april@gmail.com
Or just simply show support by displaying the Picsquare badge on your site/page/profile

This year, we hope to increase our focus and reach with our new CSAAM App and our sensitisation workshops. You’ll find both in our blog come April 2012: http://csaawarenessmonth.com/

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When Memories Weep

Despite being born in New York and living there for a good part of my childhood; despite studying in Delhi for five years; despite now living in my city of origin, Kolkata, with my husband and two sons; I will always, ALWAYS, consider myself a Bangalore girl. No, it’s not Bengaluru for me; it’s Bangalore. My beloved Bangalore, my beloved Beantown.

I can close my eyes and see the familiar streets and smell the familiar aromas and hear the familiar sounds of my growing up years. City of first loves, kisses and heartbreaks. City of theatrical awakenings and classical dance feasts. Andhra biriyani, Mysore pak and filter coffee.

So many landmarks populate the landscape of my memories…

And today, two of my favourite, iconic places, are due to down their shutters and close forever — Gangaram’s and Casa Picola.

Gangaram’s Bookstore, standing straight and tall on M.G. Road, one of my all-time favourite hang-outs. Yes, true to my geek/nerd/introvert nature, my favourite hang-outs were, are and will always be, bookstores…after all, I am a bookworm, am I not? I could spend hours there, lost in a blissful state of happiness, browsing, reading, sighing, and occasionally, when my pocket-money allowed it, buying.

And Casa Picola in Devatha Plaza! Home of the Sloppy Joe and my must-have Salami Fritter! And the warm slice of marble cake with a scoop of vanilla ice-cream! Aaaah! My taste-buds are weeping…

as is my childhood :*(

Bangalore will never be the same again.

 image from: bengalurudiscount.com

Lasting imprint : A view of the restaurant. dh photos by manjunath m s image from: deccanherald.com

 

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